the Soul Purpose » Humor

Jesus Christ a swear word?

practicalmystic — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 19:47:35 +0000

This past Sunday, I preached in the little country church where I am a member. After the worship, a young mother came up to me to tell me how much she enjoyed being in the worship service. It had been awhile since she had gone to church and her little four year old son, had never been. He’s been asking her lots of questions about God lately and she decided it was time to bring him to church. His questions were things like “Why did God make me a boy instead of an octopus? I want to have eight arms.” Good question… but I bet his mother is very glad he only has two arms and two legs. He sounds like a real pistol. She told me that he got very upset at the beginning of my sermon because I said “Jesus Christ.” His eyes got big and round and he looked at his mother in horror and said “She said a swear word!” A few minutes later, the same thing happened and he was visibly disturbed. She tried to explain to him who Jesus was but all he’d ever heard was that it was a bad word. I recommended that she get a children’s New Testament and begin to read it to him. In part, the story is hysterical! It would be very funny on a comedy show, wouldn’t it? But when it’s the truth, it makes me a little sad. “And a little child shall lead them….” I hope this little boy’s early training in the meaning of the words “Jesus Christ” has not immunized him against an authentic encounter with Jesus the Christ. Perhaps the audacity of his horror will lead his mother back to a faith she once glimpsed but didn’t quiet grasp. May it be so. Amen.

I didn’t ask to be born….

practicalmystic — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 15:29:45 +0000

When I was being praticularly bratty as a teenager, I would often respond to my parent’s corrective actions with the exclamation “Well, I didn’t ask to be born you know!” When going through particularly trying times as an adult, I would say the same thing in jest to God in prayer. I’d add to it the fact that Jesus never experienced marriage or raising children or pastoring a church and he got to leave at age 33! I have relied a lot on my deep belief that God has a great sense of humor. I will be very disappointed if I have been mistaken on this score.
With this background, I was very amused and heartened by this prayer I read in Paramahansa Yogananda’s commentary on the Bhagavad Gita: “Heavenly Father, I did not wish to be created, nor did I wish to be placed in proximity to alluring evil temptations. Please, O God, since You created me and put me to the test of life, without consulting me, bless me that I use my power of free choice to strengthen my will and to follow the path of freedom and not the path of delusion.”
I love that prayer! I hope it encourages you as well.

Moses and Bushes

practicalmystic — Mon, 18 Dec 2006 16:33:54 +0000

Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips,
President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair, wearing a white robe
and sandals, and holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and
said, “Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?”
The man didn’t answer. He just kept staring straight ahead. The president
said, “Moses!” in a loud voice. The man just stared ahead, never
acknowledging the president.
The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed
man, asked him, “Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?”
The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.
“Well,” said the president, “every time I say his name, he ignores me and
stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!” Again the president
yelled, “Moses!” and again the man ignored him.
The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered,
“You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?”
The man leaned over and whispered back, “Yes, I am Moses. However, the last
time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended
up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East where
there is no oil!”

Laws of the Natural Universe

practicalmystic — Sat, 10 Jun 2006 21:34:50 +0000

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or
You’ll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy’s Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

Brown’s Law:
If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.

Oliver’s Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson’s Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. (I’ve found this to be oh so true…) Amen to this one!!!

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.
Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God

The Twelve Steps of Insanity

practicalmystic — Thu, 27 Apr 2006 21:21:57 +0000

1. We admitted we were powerless over nothing – that we could manage our lives perfectly and those of anyone who would allow us.

2. Came to belive that there was no power greater than ourselves and the rest of the world was insane.

3. Made a decision to have our loved ones turn their wills and their lives over to our care even though they couldn’t understand us at all.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of everyone we knew.

5. Admitted to the whole world the exact nature of everyone else’s wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to make others give us the respect we deserved.

7. Demanded others do our will because we were always enlightened.

8. Made a list of all persons who had harmed us and became willing to go to any lengths to get even with them all.

9. Got direct revenge on such people wherever possible except when to do so would cost us our lives or at the very least a jail sentence.

10. Continued to take inventory of others and when they were wrong promptly and repeatedly told them about it.

11. Sought through complaining and medication to improve our relation with others as we could not understand them at all, asking only that they do things our way.

12. Having had a complete physical, emotional and spiritual breakdown as a result of these steps, we tried to blame it on others and to get sympathy and pity in all our affairs.

Author Unknown

CHRISTMAS SONGS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED

practicalmystic — Fri, 23 Dec 2005 13:22:20 +0000

I know this is terribly irreverent of me to post this but it gave me a good laugh. While going through my Psychiatric Nursing rotation in undergrad, I thought I had every one of these disorders. Of course, during the Medical/ Surgical rotations, I thought I had every other disease we studied. So with apologies to all who suffer from mental illness, remember “it takes one to know one” and I know of what I speak…sometimes…..but then sometimes I forget…..thanks to my dearest friend who sent this to me.

CHRISTMAS SONGS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED

Schizophrenia — Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder — We Three Queens Disoriented Are
Amnesia — I Don’t Know if I’ll be Home for Christmas
Narcissistic — Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
Manic — Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and
Fire Hydrants and …

Paranoid — Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me
Borderline Personality Disorder — Thoughts of Roasting on an Open
Fire
Passive-Agressive Personality Disorder — You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna
Pout, Maybe I’ll tell You Why
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder —Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells …

Agoraphobia — I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn’t Leave
My House
Senile Dementia — Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House
in My Slippers and Robe
Oppositional Defiant Disorder — I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I
Burned Down the House
Social Anxiety Disorder — Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate

Attitude

practicalmystic — Mon, 28 Nov 2005 15:38:22 +0000

“Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.”

Author unknown

practicalmystic — Wed, 16 Nov 2005 16:23:12 +0000

I asked God for strength, that I might achieve;
I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey.
I asked for health, that I might do greater things;
I was given infirmity, that I might do better things.
I asked for riches, that I might be happy;
I was given poverty, that I might be wise.
I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men;
I was given weakness, that I might feel the need for God.
I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life;
I was given life, that I might enjoy all things.
I got nothing that I asked for,
But everything I had hoped for.
Almost, despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.
I am, among all men, truly blessed.
(Author Unknown)

Conversation with God

practicalmystic — Mon, 14 Nov 2005 18:15:12 +0000

Smith climbs to the top of Mt Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord what does a million years mean to you?
“The Lord replies, “A minute “Smith asks, “And what does a million dollars
mean to you ? “The Lord replies,” A penny . “Smith asks ,” Can I
have a penny? The Lord replies,” In a minute .”

Reminders of Grace

practicalmystic — Fri, 11 Nov 2005 15:16:01 +0000

My grandmother taught me to love to walk. She lived next door to us and we walked everywhere together when I was a child. My favorite walk with her was to a restaurant that served “black cows” (now known as Rootbeer floats). Although I loved this treat, it was the journey that I most enjoyed. Walking along, we’d talk of many things and laugh at some. Occassionally, I’d find a penny on the ground and would eagerly pocket this treasure. On each penny was a reminder, Grandma said, a reminder that said “In God We Trust.” Grandma has been gone for many decades now but I still think of her on my daily walks. Most everyday I find at least one penny.

Recently, my husband and I had an appointment with the INS department. My husband is a Canadian citizen which means we have to go through a process of evaluation by our government to determine the genuineness of our marriage. I don.t know about you, but having any government determine the quality of a marriage is a bit of a scary proposition. We came to our appointment armed with a milk crate full of documentation to support our claim of marriage. Actually, the officer with whom we met was all business but also quite respectful. I left the meeting proud to be an American and my husband left the meeting grateful for permission to be working in this country. We were both quite relieved.

As we got back to the car, we happened to each look down at the ground. There, next to the drivers door and then again, next to the passenger door, there was a penny. We picked them up simultaneously and said .In God We Trust.. We.re keeping those pennies; a small treasure with an eternal message.

This is Veterans Day today. I have many questions for the leaders of this country that choose when and why to fight the wars we now fight. However, I will add my prayers today to those of countless mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, wives, husbands and friends for those who fight in the name of freedom to trust in God. May God bless them and bring them home.

Zen Sarcasm

practicalmystic — Tue, 08 Nov 2005 18:35:50 +0000

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
5. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
13. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.